So, teen life is more than just a little complicated. I hated those years in my life and I'm not sure it's any more fun raising a child through it. We spent yesterday pretty much in a silent house. I have decided though that unless someone is dressing, doors should not be closed.
I had already made plans to go to lunch with a friend that is leaving the country today and wanted Esther to go to the school for lunch. She wanted to stay at home. I relented and allowed her to.
Now, I have few rules in the house. I don't want to have to live by many and I know most of these kids have never had to live by any so to keep things simple, I just try to keep them as few as possible. One of the rules is a particular TV station I do not want turned on. I can't figure out how to block or remove it so I've just told the girls it shouldn't be turned on. Like telling them that is really going to work....... I'm contemplating getting rid of the TV. I never watch it anyway.
So, back to the story. After lunch I picked Jackie up from the school and we went home. Immediately, she turned on the TV and what station was there..... Yeah, you guessed it. The one I don't want on and what was on my screen was a horrifying sight. Teacher Hadijah was with us and we both just told Jackie to turn the TV off. We explained to her that she is a child and should watch something else. Luckily, Dora the Explorer is one of her favorites so I just popped that in on my laptop.
I called Esther into the sitting room and asked her if she had been watching TV today. She told me no. Now no one else had been home since morning and we had it on the Christian station then. I asked her if she was sure she hadn't just put it on for a moment. Again, she said no. I asked if she was absolutely sure she hadn't been watching that particular channel and she denied it.
I then put on the TV and asked her why it was that the station was there on the television when the TV was turned on. It couldn't have been put there on its own.
She kept quiet and went to her room.
I knew we really needed to have another talk. All of this behavior is so unlike her. She's always been my good girl, one of the ones I know I can depend on. This has all been just too weird.
I began asking her some questions and she finally broke down and told me that she had started fearing that one day I wouldn't want them to live with me, that I would tell them they couldn't come back.
It hit me like a train. How many times growing up (and possibly still do) did I act in strange ways to push someone away out of that same fear? All I could do was assure her that I was committed to them and no one was going to tell them to leave, no matter how crazy they acted. We talked about some of the good times we've had together and how much I wanted those to continue. I shared that I want for them some of the things that I never had.
I told her that I still had to punish her, not because I was angry but because I love her. If I let it go, then she would think it was ok to do it again. She had lied in front of others and it would set a bad example for them. Of course, she was disappointed and cried for a while.
But, later that evening, I saw the young lady that I know come back to life. She came in my room with a letter that she had written. She had looked up Proverbs 12:1 and written it down for me along with a note asking me to forgive her and that she understood.
I told her that tomorrow was a new day, a chance to start over and do things differently. And so far today, she has been a joy to be with. We've chatted, laughed, cleaned, and goofed off just like past holidays.
Pray that all of us will survive the holidays (there will be 8 teenage girls in my house + Jackie + me) and that we can all survive these teen years. And just think, after this group, I've got another round to go with Jackie and whoever else God decides to plant in my home.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Soften Her Heart of Stone
So, how to discipline a teenager. I haven't really figured it out but had to do it tonight. Not sure how effective I was.......
So, we sat down for a family meeting around 8 in the evening: me, Esther, and Mary. Jackie started out with us but fell asleep. I figured she probably didn't need to be that involved since she was pretty oblivious to what was going on and just kept interrupting us as she would burst into her version of the B-I-B-L-E.
The conversation began with a question. Well, really a series of questions. What is a family? How is best to live with one another? How do we relate and be open to each other? From there we talked about choices. Mary answered a few questions. Esther just kept quiet and looked at the wall ahead of her.
Finally, I became direct and told them that I expected them to communicate in the house. I also expect them to tell the truth and to be trustworthy. Then I again explained to them that I had some Christmas things stored in one of the cabinets and some of it had been eaten. I told them that it was best to admit it now and just ask for forgiveness instead of making the problem bigger by lying. Still no admission. I asked both of them directly if they had taken anything.
Then I told them that I knew who had taken it and had removed it from their things. This meant that since they had hidden it, they possibly felt in their heart that it shouldn't have been eaten (sneakiness) and that they then covered it by lying.
We talked (or I talked) about how one lie will lead to another one until it is just a big mess. We talked about reputation and trustworthiness. Again, I asked. Again, both refused.
I directly told Esther that I knew she had taken it. She adamantly denied it. For about two hours we went on like this. Finally, I told her that one thing I wouldn't allow is someone that I can't trust in my house. I have another young girl that I dearly love but she's not allowed to enter my home because she steals and lies. I asked Esther if she wants to be in that category. After a few minutes she told me that she took it. But, there was still no sign of remorse. Just stoniness, like yeah, I did it. So what. The whole time never looking at me, never saying sorry.
We then talked about consequences. Her consequence is to be missing her school trip on Friday. That's when I saw remorse. The tears started. I'm not real sure yet if the remorse was for lying, for getting caught or missing the trip.......
I wish these girls could see their real potential. Esther is a beautiful girl. She's smart. She's a natural leader. I'm praying that God will soften her heart and that she'll use that potential to reach somewhere she's never dreamed or imagined reaching.
But, one thing I'm certain of is that this teen years stuff is no joke. By the time the conversation ended all of us were crying. OK, Jackie cried earlier because of wanting to sleep so by the time we were crying she was knocked out. Esther was most likely crying because of missing the trip. Mary was crying because she felt bad for her friend. I was crying because I had to be the bad guy, which I hate.
So, we sat down for a family meeting around 8 in the evening: me, Esther, and Mary. Jackie started out with us but fell asleep. I figured she probably didn't need to be that involved since she was pretty oblivious to what was going on and just kept interrupting us as she would burst into her version of the B-I-B-L-E.
The conversation began with a question. Well, really a series of questions. What is a family? How is best to live with one another? How do we relate and be open to each other? From there we talked about choices. Mary answered a few questions. Esther just kept quiet and looked at the wall ahead of her.
Finally, I became direct and told them that I expected them to communicate in the house. I also expect them to tell the truth and to be trustworthy. Then I again explained to them that I had some Christmas things stored in one of the cabinets and some of it had been eaten. I told them that it was best to admit it now and just ask for forgiveness instead of making the problem bigger by lying. Still no admission. I asked both of them directly if they had taken anything.
Then I told them that I knew who had taken it and had removed it from their things. This meant that since they had hidden it, they possibly felt in their heart that it shouldn't have been eaten (sneakiness) and that they then covered it by lying.
We talked (or I talked) about how one lie will lead to another one until it is just a big mess. We talked about reputation and trustworthiness. Again, I asked. Again, both refused.
I directly told Esther that I knew she had taken it. She adamantly denied it. For about two hours we went on like this. Finally, I told her that one thing I wouldn't allow is someone that I can't trust in my house. I have another young girl that I dearly love but she's not allowed to enter my home because she steals and lies. I asked Esther if she wants to be in that category. After a few minutes she told me that she took it. But, there was still no sign of remorse. Just stoniness, like yeah, I did it. So what. The whole time never looking at me, never saying sorry.
We then talked about consequences. Her consequence is to be missing her school trip on Friday. That's when I saw remorse. The tears started. I'm not real sure yet if the remorse was for lying, for getting caught or missing the trip.......
I wish these girls could see their real potential. Esther is a beautiful girl. She's smart. She's a natural leader. I'm praying that God will soften her heart and that she'll use that potential to reach somewhere she's never dreamed or imagined reaching.
But, one thing I'm certain of is that this teen years stuff is no joke. By the time the conversation ended all of us were crying. OK, Jackie cried earlier because of wanting to sleep so by the time we were crying she was knocked out. Esther was most likely crying because of missing the trip. Mary was crying because she felt bad for her friend. I was crying because I had to be the bad guy, which I hate.
How Do You Handle a Teenager That Lies?
I love having all the girls home! I love having a full house! Most of the time I enjoy their noise and the fun they make.
But, I'm discovering that young children, although more work, are somewhat easier to be a "parent" to than teenagers.
For example, Jackie doesn't mind showing me that she loves me. I can correct her. She's teachable. She doesn't stay angry for long when I discipline her. She accepts what I tell her and tries to remember it the next time. Like when she removes her clothes before bathing, she is supposed to put them in her basket for washing. If she leaves them on the floor and I ask her if that is where they go, she quickly picks them up and puts them in the basket.
Teenagers, on the other hand, don't like to be corrected. They think they already know everything. And, discipline is somewhat of a problem. I find it difficult to spank a child that is bigger than me!
So, Esther is home and I am very happy to have her here. But, things change when the girls come home. Mary behaves different. Mary usually is wonderful with Jackie but when the other big girls are home, Mary doesn't want to be bothered with her. I've caught both Mary and Esther hitting Jackie the last couple of days. Now, I know Jackie can also disturb them. She doesn't want to sit still and let them do what they want to do. So, I try to keep her distracted. But, they also have to realize that she's a young kid and sometimes just deal with it.
Mary does ok when she's corrected. She tries. I hope she doesn't get influenced by her peers. Esther, just looks at me like I've grown another head.
Then on top of that she has a habit of sneaking behind my back and lying. Mostly about food. I pretty much let them eat whatever they want to but ask them to be reasonable. Like I don't see why someone should sit down and eat 5 slices of bread at a go.
Then when I ask her if she wants something to eat, she'll tell me no. When I leave the house, food gets raided. I'll come back and a whole bag of chocolate will have been eaten. She's the only one in the house. Jackie and Mary are still at school.
We bought sugarcane the other day and there was a small piece left. Jackie wanted to eat it but she had already had enough. I told her to keep it for after school. We came back and it was gone. I told her to ask Mary and Esther if they had eaten it. She asked them and both said no. How does it just disappear like that. I knew Mary had been at school and unless she had taken it to school, couldn't have eaten it. She told me that when she came back she saw Esther eating it behind the house. I didn't want to confront Esther because I don't want her and Mary to be awkward with each other.
Also, someone had sent me a package of goodies from home. I decided to keep them and share them with all the girls at Christmas time. I had hid them up at the top of one of the cabinets, over where the stove should go. It's not a place that someone would ever really look in.
Mary knew it was there and it has been there for about 3 months without her touching it.
Yesterday, I noticed the cabinet had been left a bit open. When I checked, I found several things had been removed. So, I decided to feel like a snoop and check the girls' things. Jackie is too short but I checked hers anyway. Not that she would have been able to hide it well since we share everything. I found it in Esther's things. I quietly removed it and then locked the rest of the Christmas things in my room.
Later, I told the girls that the things that were there were for Christmas. I told them that some of it had been eaten and asked each one if they had eaten any of it or taken any of it. All replied no.
Now I feel like I have a sneak in the house that also lies. So, now how do I discipline? I don't feel like I should still be having to spank a 14 year old. I feel like now it more of a heart issue.
The reason I say heart issue is because of attitude. Or maybe all teenagers just have attitudes.
But, I'm discovering that young children, although more work, are somewhat easier to be a "parent" to than teenagers.
For example, Jackie doesn't mind showing me that she loves me. I can correct her. She's teachable. She doesn't stay angry for long when I discipline her. She accepts what I tell her and tries to remember it the next time. Like when she removes her clothes before bathing, she is supposed to put them in her basket for washing. If she leaves them on the floor and I ask her if that is where they go, she quickly picks them up and puts them in the basket.
Teenagers, on the other hand, don't like to be corrected. They think they already know everything. And, discipline is somewhat of a problem. I find it difficult to spank a child that is bigger than me!
So, Esther is home and I am very happy to have her here. But, things change when the girls come home. Mary behaves different. Mary usually is wonderful with Jackie but when the other big girls are home, Mary doesn't want to be bothered with her. I've caught both Mary and Esther hitting Jackie the last couple of days. Now, I know Jackie can also disturb them. She doesn't want to sit still and let them do what they want to do. So, I try to keep her distracted. But, they also have to realize that she's a young kid and sometimes just deal with it.
Mary does ok when she's corrected. She tries. I hope she doesn't get influenced by her peers. Esther, just looks at me like I've grown another head.
Then on top of that she has a habit of sneaking behind my back and lying. Mostly about food. I pretty much let them eat whatever they want to but ask them to be reasonable. Like I don't see why someone should sit down and eat 5 slices of bread at a go.
Then when I ask her if she wants something to eat, she'll tell me no. When I leave the house, food gets raided. I'll come back and a whole bag of chocolate will have been eaten. She's the only one in the house. Jackie and Mary are still at school.
We bought sugarcane the other day and there was a small piece left. Jackie wanted to eat it but she had already had enough. I told her to keep it for after school. We came back and it was gone. I told her to ask Mary and Esther if they had eaten it. She asked them and both said no. How does it just disappear like that. I knew Mary had been at school and unless she had taken it to school, couldn't have eaten it. She told me that when she came back she saw Esther eating it behind the house. I didn't want to confront Esther because I don't want her and Mary to be awkward with each other.
Also, someone had sent me a package of goodies from home. I decided to keep them and share them with all the girls at Christmas time. I had hid them up at the top of one of the cabinets, over where the stove should go. It's not a place that someone would ever really look in.
Mary knew it was there and it has been there for about 3 months without her touching it.
Yesterday, I noticed the cabinet had been left a bit open. When I checked, I found several things had been removed. So, I decided to feel like a snoop and check the girls' things. Jackie is too short but I checked hers anyway. Not that she would have been able to hide it well since we share everything. I found it in Esther's things. I quietly removed it and then locked the rest of the Christmas things in my room.
Later, I told the girls that the things that were there were for Christmas. I told them that some of it had been eaten and asked each one if they had eaten any of it or taken any of it. All replied no.
Now I feel like I have a sneak in the house that also lies. So, now how do I discipline? I don't feel like I should still be having to spank a 14 year old. I feel like now it more of a heart issue.
The reason I say heart issue is because of attitude. Or maybe all teenagers just have attitudes.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Esther's Home!!!!!
If any of you can dig out one of my newsletters from about a year ago, you can refresh your memory on who Esther is. Or I can just tell you.
She's a young lady that I have been blessed to know. A total orphan but understands that God is her parent. Both of her parents died of AIDS. After her father died, her stepmother sold off their property and left Esther with nothing. Esther served as a housemaid for a family where she was abused and not sent to school. Then she met another "aunt" who took her in. But, this aunt was poor and lived in a one room house with her husband. The aunt was pregnant around the time that I met Esther. Anyway, to make the long story short, I started sponsoring Esther (yes, I also sponsor some of my kids) and she moved in with me, at least for holidays.
Esther was in Primary 7 the past year and most children prefer going to boarding school for this class so that they are well prepared for the Primary Leaving Exam.
Well, Esther took the exam earlier this week and arrived home yesterday evening! We were so happy to see her. She was greeted by Jackie shouting for her from our 4th floor balcony. I think now the whole village knows that Esther is home! Mary is happy to have someone home that is not over the age of 30 or under the age of 5! She and Esther didn't sleep until well past midnight last night. I'm not real sure how Mary managed to wake up and get to school. I hope she doesn't spend the day dozing in class.
The past year that I've spent with Esther has been wonderful. I've watched her grow and trust God more. She eagerly goes to church. She is awesome at leading her peers in prayer and Bible study. I wish everyone could know the blessing it is to have such a child in their lives.
She's a young lady that I have been blessed to know. A total orphan but understands that God is her parent. Both of her parents died of AIDS. After her father died, her stepmother sold off their property and left Esther with nothing. Esther served as a housemaid for a family where she was abused and not sent to school. Then she met another "aunt" who took her in. But, this aunt was poor and lived in a one room house with her husband. The aunt was pregnant around the time that I met Esther. Anyway, to make the long story short, I started sponsoring Esther (yes, I also sponsor some of my kids) and she moved in with me, at least for holidays.
Esther was in Primary 7 the past year and most children prefer going to boarding school for this class so that they are well prepared for the Primary Leaving Exam.
Well, Esther took the exam earlier this week and arrived home yesterday evening! We were so happy to see her. She was greeted by Jackie shouting for her from our 4th floor balcony. I think now the whole village knows that Esther is home! Mary is happy to have someone home that is not over the age of 30 or under the age of 5! She and Esther didn't sleep until well past midnight last night. I'm not real sure how Mary managed to wake up and get to school. I hope she doesn't spend the day dozing in class.
The past year that I've spent with Esther has been wonderful. I've watched her grow and trust God more. She eagerly goes to church. She is awesome at leading her peers in prayer and Bible study. I wish everyone could know the blessing it is to have such a child in their lives.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Water, Water, Everywhere...... Except In My House
So, ever since around end of May/early June we've had a water crisis of sorts in my house. First it was because the landlord was still paying the water bill and had forgotten to pay it. So, the whole flat was turned off. And being that this is Uganda it was some time before it was turned back on. Around that same time was when they were giving each apartment their own water meter so that we could begin paying our own bills.
When they did this, suddenly I had no water in my apartment. We tried and tried and no one could figure out why. Finally, the plumber decided that it was because I am on the top floor so there wasn't enough water pressure. OK, so fix it. He tried on numerous occassions but each time he tried I had a new water problem. I could tell you lots of storis on that but for the sake of time and space, I won't.
Then it was discovered that it wasn't the water pressure just for me but for our whole village and surrounding areas. No one was getting much pressure if they were on a hill or above the second floor. OK, so as in Uganda, if you are patient it will eventually work itself out.
Then on Tuesday, they announced on the radio that our village and surrounding ones would have no water anywhere from 3 days to 3 months. No problem. We've not had water anyway so what's the difference.
It's actually been pretty funny. I say funny because all of us around are in the same predicament. So, you see people at the well that would have died if they had known that they were going to be fetching water! You know big people like pastors! So, the well has become a social area. You go there to catch up on what is going on in everyone's lives. It's sort of like going to a hairdresser in the states! Also, when water miraculously appears in the middle of the night for 45 minutes or so and whoever has woke up for a toilet run finds it there and alerts the neighbors! Or when it rains and everyone runs outside with every available bucket, bowl, saucepan, etc. to get as much of this precious free water as they can!
I've really gotten used to it and don't much mind since I know that the water in the well is always there and it's also free. And Jackie is loving it because she can more easily convince me that she shouldn't take a bath when water is off!
When they did this, suddenly I had no water in my apartment. We tried and tried and no one could figure out why. Finally, the plumber decided that it was because I am on the top floor so there wasn't enough water pressure. OK, so fix it. He tried on numerous occassions but each time he tried I had a new water problem. I could tell you lots of storis on that but for the sake of time and space, I won't.
Then it was discovered that it wasn't the water pressure just for me but for our whole village and surrounding areas. No one was getting much pressure if they were on a hill or above the second floor. OK, so as in Uganda, if you are patient it will eventually work itself out.
Then on Tuesday, they announced on the radio that our village and surrounding ones would have no water anywhere from 3 days to 3 months. No problem. We've not had water anyway so what's the difference.
It's actually been pretty funny. I say funny because all of us around are in the same predicament. So, you see people at the well that would have died if they had known that they were going to be fetching water! You know big people like pastors! So, the well has become a social area. You go there to catch up on what is going on in everyone's lives. It's sort of like going to a hairdresser in the states! Also, when water miraculously appears in the middle of the night for 45 minutes or so and whoever has woke up for a toilet run finds it there and alerts the neighbors! Or when it rains and everyone runs outside with every available bucket, bowl, saucepan, etc. to get as much of this precious free water as they can!
I've really gotten used to it and don't much mind since I know that the water in the well is always there and it's also free. And Jackie is loving it because she can more easily convince me that she shouldn't take a bath when water is off!
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Opiyo and Okello
This is Opiyo (on top) and Okello. They are brothers who have had a life that has not been in any one way easy. I met these guys a couple of weeks ago and fell in love with them. They are two of the roughest kids that I have ever met but have the sweetest hearts at the same time. They have never been to school. The reason is their father has eight wives and over thirty children. He only earns about 40$ a month. This means it is impossible for him to support his children. These boys have had to make their own way of survival. The whole village knows these boys. They sleep in an abandoned building. If it becomes "unabandoned" or if the authorities chase them out, they find another one. For a while, they were sleeping in the house next door to me while it was being built. When the family moved in, they had to look for another place. They spend the days looking for food. Sometimes they look for scrap to sell. Other times they look for people to wash clothes or cars for.
They both desperately want to go to school. They understand that without an education there isn't much in the future for them. This school year is almost over (just 3 weeks remaining for most boarding schools) and obviously they will need to be in a boarding school. I think they will do great in the same school where Tracy is.
Opiyo is a twin and would like for his brother to go to school with him. I've told them that I'll take all three of them to school next year.
They are excited about it and I'm again stretching my faith. None of them are yet sponsored............
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Meet Tracy
One day while I had my little kids outside on break, Tracy showed up at my gate. She was dirty, barefoot, and begging for food. I asked her if she was in school. Her answer was an elaborate story, obviously to me she was lying. I asked her to take me to where she sleeps. She agreed and took me to a nearby bar. This is where Tracy and her family sleep. Good enough, one of the village leaders was nearby and I was able to ask him to give me more details on Tracy's story. His response was if I could help the girl to please do so. I didn't immediately agree to take her back to school. I wanted to know her better but she definitely had a pull on my heart. For weeks after that, I would find Tracy, still dirty, on the streets begging. Sometimes I would find her begging far from where she slept. She was usually with a rough group of boys. She was always excited to see me and would run and jump into my arms. I also spent time getting to know her family better.
Tracy's father died of AIDS a couple of years ago, leaving her mom alone with three children. Tracy's mom is unemployed and drinks a lot, frequently disturbing people around while in her drunken state. Different men come in and out of the house. This has left Tracy to find ways of feeding herself and her younger siblings. Frequently, Tracy would disappear from home for weeks at a time.
At times, I would find Tracy begging with her younger sister, Michell. I decided that this term I would take Tracy back to school. It would definitely need to be a boarding school. I knew that if I took Tracy to school and left Michell at home, I would be leaving Michell in a problem. Michell would be the one to have to look for food.
I decided to take both of the girls back to school. The younger brother was too young to go to school this year so a neighbor agreed to look out for him, making sure he was safe and had something to eat.
When taking the girls to school, I had no sponsor for either one of them. I did it completely on faith. I believed I wouldn't look long for a sponsor for them. Shortly, after the term began, Michell was being sponsored. Not long later, Tracy was being sponsored!
Both girls are doing well in school. I was a bit nervous about taking Tracy to school. Would she stay at school or escape from school to go to look for ways to find money? So far, she has remained at school. Teachers say that she is a bright girl and does well in class. she has just a few behavior issues. Tracy’s younger brother, Brandon, will be old enough to begin school next year at my school.
Pray that this opportunity will continue to make a difference in the future of the lives of these children!
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